Monday, July 30, 2007

How To Rate A Dirty Diaper

I've come to realize how preoccupied with poop I must seem to my readers: I haven't gone for more than a week without writing about it. I think it has something to do with being a new dad; babies really are capable of only a few things at first. I'll give you a break after this entry, I promise.

Diapers, like movies, restaurants, and stand-up comics, need to have a rating system. One might think diapers could be given a subjective score based on volume or duration of the squizzle. Aidan disproved this theory tonight. He made quite loud noise for at least twenty seconds. Surely something of such intensity would be a very dirty diaper indeed, right? So we thought too. But there turned out to be merely a fart's worth of poop in his diaper. So how does one rate a dirty diaper?

I'm sure there are other systems out there (based on dad's gag reflex, for instance), but Marissa and I try to be as objective as possible in rating our son's business. After all, my gag reflex wouldn't really suffice if I'm in another room as Marissa changes Aidan. We've begun using what we call the "Wipey-Dipey System." (If that's not yet patented, I hereby claim a nickel every time someone says it.) It works like this:

a dirty diaper needing X baby wipes to effectively clean the baby becomes a
"X-wipey dipey"

It's amazing how simple this is. It can be used to rate the diaper...and the proficiency of the parent. For example, when Aidan was newly born, all of his dirty diapers rated a minimum of 3 wipes. This was mainly due to our lack of experience in cleaning a wiggling bundle of cuteness.

After time, our experience naturally grew. Now we rate Aidan's diapers—by the same system—on how messy they are. I have seen some 3-wipey dipeys recently, but we've also had a few 4- (four-), 5-, 6-, and 7-wipey dipeys! I rue the day Aidan has a 10-wipey dipey; I think on that day, a new system will be developed. It'll have to be counted in gallons (of soapy bathwater).

So now you know how to rate Aidan's dirty diapers. I hope you have as much fun rating them as we do!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're sounding dangerously close to talking in algebraic terms! Great! By the time Aidan is ready for Algebra, he'll know all about it!