Attention Babysitters!!

No Aidan has not been born yet.

But I'm wanting to get the word out about a few rather serious issues. And I want to do this before Aidan arrives so those we hire will understand our intentions in the way our child will be raised. Is there anyone not paying attention? OK, let's get started...

I can't emphasize this one enough. It doesn't take a college education to understand that babies need oxygen mixed appropriately with nitrogen and 2% other gases. This is a mixture called air.
Therefore, despite the name of the position for which you are being considered, you will not sit on my baby. This is strictly disallowed and will be grounds for immediate termination of you and resuscitation of the baby. Have you seen Schwarzenegger's most-celebrated sci-fi movies? Ahnold may be back but you won't. So, please! Don't sit on my baby!

Secondly, but equally important, a list of things that will not happen while babysitting Aidan:

1. boyfriends
2. scary movies
3. personal, non-emergency phone calls
4. reading (...unless it's to Aidan - Re: Comment from "Gram")
   
5. laughing
6. crying (you or the baby)
7. quilting
8. camping
9. crocheting
10. video games
11. board games
12. party games
13. other games
14. quilting
15. boxing
16. sleeping (you, not the baby)

In other words, you must sit (again, not on the baby) and watch, having the phone ready only to make any necessary emergency phone calls.

And thirdly, there will be a strict ban on all tapes, duct or otherwise.